In His Time

When I was sixteen I was driving down to church in the “purple-urple” (the purple minivan I drove throughout High school.). I was the solitary ruler of the freeway, except for one landscaping truck driving very slowly to the right of me. I was about to pass Him when I felt like the Lord told me to get behind Him. This seems like a small request, but for someone with a slight (and by slight I mean Huge) impatience problem, it was anything but small. But I slowed down, pulled over, left the open road in front of me, to drive behind this truck that apparently thought we were driving through a residential area. 

As soon as I pulled over, and I mean as soon as I pulled over, the truck exploded. Not with fire, no this is phoenix not Hollywood, but a lid must have fallen off something because I was suddenly in the middle of a tinker-tape parade. He must have trimmed the hedges of all the bougainvillea in Phoenix because I was caught in a blizzard of flowers, I felt like I just won the super bowl. It was beautiful. It lasted the next mile or so and stopped just as I veered right to get off the freeway.

That incident, however small, left a big imprint on my heart.

I learned I could follow the Lord’s lead. I remembered it as I boarded a plane to South Africa leaving my soon to be husband behind, and as I landed in Belize after saying goodbye to my family and hello to the unknown for a year. I remembered it as I said, “I do” at the age of 19, and after I held my first little girl at just 21. I remembered that God changes our plans but we can always trust Him.

I only tell you this simple story from my youth because the Lord reminded me of it the other day. Dave and I were driving the car over to my grandparents so they could borrow it. I was driving behind dave and the girls, thinking about Bella and life and Bella. There were open lanes to my right but I just stayed behind the van, waving to the girls at every stoplight.

I realized my expectations for life are not what God has for my life. I created an idea in my head of what I wanted and expected that the Lord would work around it because he loves me.

But He changed my course, because He loves me more than I can imagine.

So I’m thanking God today. Although I can’t bear to look at the future of hip surgeries, shunt revisions and catheters, I can get behind Him and walk, knowing that in His time He makes all things beautiful.

At the hearing of the news of Bella my heart stopped, then I stopped breathing, I couldn't see, or hear, I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. The room was dark, the doctors and nurses stood completely still, no one said a word. I looked at Dave, his head was held up only by his hands, how much bad news can someone endure?

I remember crying out to the Lord and asking Him to heal my little girl. He didn't. Not yet.

I wore myself out, beating myself up. I felt like a failure.

My friends and family were having kids of their own. Perfect, healthy babies that they would one day watch run around the park and dance around the house. I smiled, I was happy, really I was, but so grieved that my little girl would miss out on so much.

After Bella was delivered I held her for a brief moment before they took her by ambulance to the Children's Hospital where she would undergo a surgery to repair her back. For the next few days I would not hold her again.

She was beautiful.

About four days after her surgery I was able to hold her again. I remember feeling my heart beat again, I could finally breathe, see and hear. Once again life entered my body. Hope too.

I knew from that moment on that my life would be so different from those around me. I would have to work so hard to make this little girl feel beautiful and valuable. But I was up for the challenge.

Sorry to be such a downer.... after reading that you deserve a little pick me up....

yeah she's pretty much awesome! We did have a rough start, and a rough and seemingly endless road ahead, but right now, today, we are doing just fine...